KILLER HEELS

I am DIZZY with delight. I’ve just bought myself a pair of very expensive Killer Heels. So called because they’re probably going to kill me the first time I wear them. But what a GLORIOUS way to go.

I guess I never did get the hang of this Growing Old thingy. As I am given to understand, I’m supposed to be doing it gracefully. Now there’s a gathering of words totally beyond my comprehension: Growing Old Gracefully. What does that actually MEAN???? And how are you supposed to do it? Is there a guide book? And if there is, who wrote it?

After much research and analysis, I can state with confidence that it means BEIGE, and I’m not just talking about the colour. You have to start THINKING beige. Outlook on life. Pearls. Cardigans. WHITE WINE (but only in moderation, of course, like perhaps ONE GLASS). In other words, quietly melting into the distance. And not a sequin in sight! I would rather DIE, no pun intended.

Who makes these rules?? And why does anybody take any notice? I read all the fashion articles, because they’re a laugh a minute and NEVER to be taken seriously (I guess everybody has to earn a living). I avoid what I have always hated – frills, pleats, long skirts, stripes, navy blue, anything brown – and wear everything else with gusto. I simply don’t understand what age has to do with it.

I feel HUGE compassion for all those people who actually believe what they’re told and follow it to the letter. You poor darlings. Get out there and have some fun. Go buy some killer heels. They’ll lift your spirits, even if you never wear them. And that’s pure gold.

So – I’ve got the Killer Heels. I’ve got the black leather biker jacket. Next stop: a motorbike and a guitar. And then I’m OFF, darlings, to San Francisco. See you there, maybe?

Facebook

Allergic as I am to New Year’s Resolutions (which is VERY), I’m actually thinking of making an exception this year. I’ve been on Facebook for MONTHS, and I may just have to find out what it’s FOR.

About 6 months ago, George, our wonderful computer guru and friend, without whom we could not survive in the world of computers, TOTALLY convinced me that it was what I needed to do. A BIG HELP, he said, in getting your work out there and more widely known. And in two ticks, he’d set it up. He’s wonderful that way.

And ever since then, I’ve had INNUMERABLE people wanting to be my friend on Facebook. Now here’s the thing: they are ALREADY my friends. WHAT AM I MISSING?

It’s not for want of trying. Every now and then I tap into Facebook, and indeed, there are familiar faces all over the place. But they all seem to be having a GREAT BIG PARTY with a lot of other NOT familiar faces, and I HAVEN’T BEEN INVITED. There are pictures – a LOT – of people holding drinks in their hand, draping themselves over somebody, lying on beaches, cavorting all over the place, the word that springs to mind is BACCHANALIA. I think Bacchanalia is probably wonderful if you’re a participant (Mental Note - must try it some time). But when you’re just an observer, it undoubtedly loses something.

I keep in touch with my friends – sometimes not as frequently as I should - but it eventually happens. I use this very old-fashioned thing called email. It’s one-on-one, face-to-face, and it works a treat for me. But I’m NOT GIVING UP. I am DEFINITELY NOT GIVING UP. I’m going to crack the secret of Facebook if it KILLS me.

Oh, and then there’s LinkedIn. I’m on that TOO. Now THIS is positively TERRIFYING. It’s filled with words like “Corporate” and “Business” and “Foundations” and “Projects”. Out Of My Depth doesn’t even BEGIN to describe it. The thing about THAT one is – they never seem to have any parties. I ask you - WHERE’S THE FUN IN THAT??????

Instant Therapy

I’m talking about LISTS.

I am a totally dedicated maker of lists. Not only is it GREAT FUN – there you are, sitting back with pen and paper, possibly a gin-and-tonic in your hand, LOVELY – but you actually feel as though you are sorting out your LIFE while you’re doing it. A DESTINATION in mind.

The therapeutic value is beyond belief.

Now, I want to say right away that I don’t always follow through on my lists, but oh, the HEAVENLY SENSE that you are getting your life in order while you’re making them is PURE GOLD.

I’ve just been through our annual Christmas celebration, which we all ADORE. It’s a BIG DEAL in our family and involves TEN of us in residence for about 10 days. HUGE amounts of food, HUGE amounts of presents. HUGE amounts of EVERYTHING. It’s the way we do it, what can I say? WHERE would I be without LISTS????? Locked up in a strait jacket, no doubt about it.

And then there’s the Christmas Presents list, without which I would be a DEAD DUCK, but I simply can’t think about that now. Maybe in about 300 days time.

My daughter Noelle is, I think, even worse than I am. She doesn’t just make lists of things to do, she actually includes things she has ALREADY DONE, just for the pleasure of crossing them off. CAN YOU BELIEVE???? She tells me there are Computer Software Programmes for lists out there, but assures me that there is NO PLEASURE in that. And I believe her. Talk about taking all the fun out of it.

You can’t watch TV while you’re doing it, though – you get some strange results. Trust me, I KNOW.

The big exception to this is the New Year’s Resolution List. DON’T GO THERE. Positively SUICIDAL, because you just KNOW you’re never going to do any of those things, and then you’re going to hate hate hate yourself. It’s the road to INSTANT DEPRESSION, and is absolute DEATH to any therapeutic value you may be hoping for.

Just one note of caution: if you find yourself making lists of your lists, you just may be taking it a step too far.