KILLER HEELS

I am DIZZY with delight. I’ve just bought myself a pair of very expensive Killer Heels. So called because they’re probably going to kill me the first time I wear them. But what a GLORIOUS way to go.

I guess I never did get the hang of this Growing Old thingy. As I am given to understand, I’m supposed to be doing it gracefully. Now there’s a gathering of words totally beyond my comprehension: Growing Old Gracefully. What does that actually MEAN???? And how are you supposed to do it? Is there a guide book? And if there is, who wrote it?

After much research and analysis, I can state with confidence that it means BEIGE, and I’m not just talking about the colour. You have to start THINKING beige. Outlook on life. Pearls. Cardigans. WHITE WINE (but only in moderation, of course, like perhaps ONE GLASS). In other words, quietly melting into the distance. And not a sequin in sight! I would rather DIE, no pun intended.

Who makes these rules?? And why does anybody take any notice? I read all the fashion articles, because they’re a laugh a minute and NEVER to be taken seriously (I guess everybody has to earn a living). I avoid what I have always hated – frills, pleats, long skirts, stripes, navy blue, anything brown – and wear everything else with gusto. I simply don’t understand what age has to do with it.

I feel HUGE compassion for all those people who actually believe what they’re told and follow it to the letter. You poor darlings. Get out there and have some fun. Go buy some killer heels. They’ll lift your spirits, even if you never wear them. And that’s pure gold.

So – I’ve got the Killer Heels. I’ve got the black leather biker jacket. Next stop: a motorbike and a guitar. And then I’m OFF, darlings, to San Francisco. See you there, maybe?